He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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