I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
