Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
