It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You were trust falling into bushes
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
