She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
