I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We are all done wearing pants today
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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