I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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