I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
