No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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