When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
