i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
