I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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