I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
