An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
sarcasm needs its own font
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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