I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
