I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
