Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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