Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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