It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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