You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize