all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
