Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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