Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm getting married
To pizza
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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