I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
