he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
