me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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