my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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