Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
