I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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