if only i could text you this smell
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
