I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
