the condom got lost in my hair
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
