I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think your dad took our porno
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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