i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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