I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
well you can't waste a boner
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
