the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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