I haven't been this sober since birth.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
