i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
