I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
