Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
