dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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