I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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