she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
