sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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