Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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