I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
