i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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