The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
