He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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