I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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