I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
