apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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