i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
