ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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