paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So much rum. So many feels.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize