just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
