True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
