Ambien. No doubt about it.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
