I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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