just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Randomize
