Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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