Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
