i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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