I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
50% drunk capacity currently
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
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