on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize