The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
