I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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