I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
