I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Oh god it's open bar.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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