last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
