I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
