lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
