ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
