I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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