By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
